Satire: Serious Illnesses of Hindu Body Politic

 Satire: Serious Illnesses of Hindu Body Politic

The Hindu body politic is seriously ill today. Literally. It is in shambles because it has been hijacked by serious illnesses, that are chipping away the healthy constituents, or turning them ill by infection. Since the number of ill people is quite large, we are living in the “Aal ijj well” consensus delusion. 

Like any sick human, the body politic needs to first admit that it’s ailing, and needs to correctly identify its illnesses before any medicinal attempts could be thought of. 

This article is written with malice and intention to hurt so Hardik Durbhavna sahit prastut karte hain… 

1. Brownchitis: This is a respiratory disease, caused because of faulty lifestyle of the entire civilization for too long. This resulted in colonial dust settling in the lungs and making itself comfortable, just like the colonizers settled into our country. Affliction with this disease leads to the Brown Hindu’s mind unable to do anything without validation and certification from Gora Sahibs- from Yoga to a minimalist, conscious lifestyle. The Brownchitis Hindu will find value in Hindu things only when they come with the approval of white people- if it’s not begotten, Brownchitis patient would rather die of cancer than take a Siddha medicine that did not cure a Caucasian first. 

The Brownchitis Hindu finds it difficult to breathe also whenever the atmosphere is polluted with “Western Hindutva particulate pollutant”. Exposed to white Hindus like Dr. David Frawley or Francois Gautier who tell him that he should turn India-ward first, the Brownchitis patient experiences acute shortness of breath and loss of life-orientation. Some even suffer from “Shighrapatan” of will to live itself due to this exposure. 

2. Survival Spondylitis: This a pre-independence condition, but since we were busy fighting the acute attacks of theological ‘Single Source’ viruses for almost a millennium, so it went largely unnoticed. It caused Hindus to invest too much in the search for a servile lifestyle (quite literally), by making naukri (the service, first government’s, then private corporates’) their primary concern. It appears “quite normal” due to too many Hindus suffering from it. When one turns to members of a ‘particular community’, we see them ruling the roads and getting away with anything because they don’t depend on economic machineries for survival. It’s only then that we realize the weakness of spine caused by dependent economic survival. No less severe problems caused by this condition include squatting too long with heavy load of “Ganga Jamuni Tehzeeb”. The overexertion coupled with less-than-nutritious regular swigs of Ahimsa curry and Sickularism vada paav have resulted in fragile spinal structure. 

3. Modi-cinations: This is a rather new disease, caused by exposure to poisonous bapudeva gas, especially among population fed on regular diet of ” BhajiPao”. It results in condition like Political Saviour Syndrome, seen once before 1947 in Charakhaasur era, and second wave had hit us somewhere in 2013-14. The gas particularly effects eyes, resulting in “Modiyabind”, where the afflicted patient starts seeing a particular politician as the answer to everything. Modicinations also cause fits of incoherent screaming of “Modi hai to mumkin hai”, “Hindu unity is needed”, “Masterstroke”, “He has a plan… Plis w8 for 5 more years”, and other noxious nonsense. In extreme cases, the object of adulation may start looking like a god and the patient could start claiming things like “Modi is 11th Avatar of Vishnu”, or “Har Har Modi”. In such stages, any delay could be fatal for sanity. 

4. Vishwaguru Syndrome: A bacteria called ” wokeism” has infected a pretty healthy ideal given by Swami Vivekananda, who was not just a dietician but a complete surgeon, and had done systemic surgery of the Hindu bodypolitik and body civilizational. He had advised for ‘Vishwaguru’ exercise only after the completion of healing. But the wokeism virus hijacked the idly lying Vishwaguru idea, and mutated it into ‘Vishwaguru Syndrome’. Along with loss of cultural immunity due to Sarva Dharma Samabhaav virus, the bacteria has resulted in a pitiable condition where we’re desperate to own and appropriate any and all social fads if that can help us get a pat on the heads as ‘Vishwaguru’. The symptoms include rush for claiming to be the source of every virtue from ” equality” to “veganism”. And in absence of cultural immunity, this has deformed the body of Hinduism. In acute conditions, it has resulted in loss of extremities in limb. ex: Ban and support for ban of Bali in Tripursundari, or Female entry into Sabarimala. The People with this are often diagnosed with “Arya Samaj” or ” Charkhasur” virus too. 

5. ALL INDIA DHIMMI SYNDROME (AIDS): This is more of a condition than disease, caused by highly mutating “SDS: Sarva Dharma Sambhav” virus. The affected individual loses all cultural immunity, making him/her vulnerable to life threatening disease like “Love Jihad” or ARSE: ALL Religions (are) Same and Equal. Victims if cured are found embroiled in court cases else in suitcases. 

6. Ritual-O-Phobia: It’s a mental disease. Often caused by stress of modern life and aspirations of spiritual knighthood. The virus causing it is a Proto- Advaitic virus which mimics the actual philosophy. The target population is Yuppies and Newcagies. Symptoms in normal cases will leave the victim feeling like Shankara or Aurobindo and in worst cases even better than them. Often diagnosed by the usage of phrases like “oneness”, “universal”, “Bhagwan humare andar hai”, sometimes dislike for Murti Puja. The patients most of the time are in “Nitambuhastasan” to prevent inner God from escaping another end of cavity. A variation of this is Gyamid-14 caused by “MeToo Devi” virus. 

7. Riles: This is a disease of alimentary canal. The bacteria of Caste, patriarchy and ecology often cause this infection in combination or individually. It is seasonal and occurs during the public display of rituals in Hindu festivals. It leads to tremendous rectal pain and bleeding. This is often seen as articles and programs on print and visual media. Latest being the article in print media on how Chhath Puja is patriarchal and casteist.

8. Gambling: Per se it’s not a disease but a mental disorder, a kind of sado-masochism. Also it has reached the levels of pathology. The cause is collective loss of “Pursharthas”. It makes the Hindu community feel that the ” Big Daddy (Govt) ” should beat the shit out of it to discipline and reform it, and the resultant meekness seems like a virtue, to be exalted. In pursuit of this elusive final order, we have gambled away our temples and rituals to ever increasing control of the government. And the officials administering them are often themselves infected with one or more diseases mentioned in the list. 

9. Arthery Blockage: Gluttony ‘to heart’s content’, and other negative lifestyles block the arteries and cause heart troubles. Similarly, the pursuit of artha only leaves Hindus not only devoid of spiritual nutrition and fulfilment of elements of Dharma and Moksha, but also ultimately blocks their artha as well. Lakshmi is the wife of Vishnu, who is devoted day-and-night to paritrana of those who follow Dharma, and loses interest pretty fast in those who don’t share the divine couple’s interest in Dharma. 

10. GYAMID-14 (GYaani MahIla Disease): This is a cute-sounding lethal, long-term illness that comes from the entitlement women grow up with, due to the combination of gynocentric social restructuring, in the name of gender equity, and the “Hindus worship all women as goddesses” falsehood peddled by half-baked Hindus. The disease was latently present from before, but the uber “right-wing feminism” of Pradhan Tyagi Sevak Devata acolytes has made it cancerous from 2014. Now, Gyaani Mahilas can be found preaching from moral high horses on every issue, not just gender. They tell people about their egos, they decide when is an Enlightened Guru “on the correct path” or when has he “lost his way”, and even what should or should not turn on the sexual desires of a “Dharmic man”. They take it upon themselves to decide the definitions of ‘masculinity’ and agenda of Men’s Day- and label people with “toxic masculinity” too. They attack antifeminism activists the same way left-wing feminists do, and demand, nay order, people to respect them by citing out-of-context the verses of Chandipaath where Devi says that all women of the world are images of Her (and not that She’s equivalent of them). If you happen to crash into a Gyaani Mahila online, DO NOT ENGAGE. THEY ARE ARMED (with social media clout of mob-lynching simps) and extremely dangerous (for sanity)!! 

11. Petticoat Purushitis: This is a disease specific to BIOLOGICAL men, just like GYAMID14 happens only to BIOLOGICAL women. The people afflicted with this disease become “male feminists”, and start talking in terms of how they feel the ‘male guilt’, ‘collective responsibility of the misogyny’, ‘male privilege’ et al. They’re called ‘petticoat purusha’ because a lot of even women, what to say of men, feel that these patients need only don the petticoats, and they’ll become truest allies of women in their struggle against “evils of patriarchy”. The patients of this disease have cured their own toxic masculinity already, by castrating away every single cell of maleness from their mental bodies. While this disease is ‘universalist’ in nature, like Marxism, but in India, this disease is usually found in Hindu men way more than any other. This makes them supremely unattractive and ‘unfuckable’ for Hindu women too, and is a latent cause for Love Jihad as well. 

12. Compassion-epsy: Just like leprosy, it’s a highly contagious disease, and treatment should be under expert’s (like an experienced Guru, Acharya, etc.) supervision, not by overenthusiastic novices. In this disease, the person develops boils all over his mind, that start oozing stale compassion. He becomes all about compassion with no sense of context, scale, or proportion. He also starts infecting others, who stay too long around him. While expert Siddhas’ stern handling has been observed to bring healing and recuperation in some rare cases of willing patients, but most others have been infected too deep for any efforts to be of any worth. 

13. Hindu-betes: In this disease endemic to Hindus by our own nature and lifestyle, rather than any foreign influence, the afflicted person becomes a walking-and-talking bottle of sugar syrup towards non-Hindus- especially those who seek to destroy him and his culture and religion. The patient thinks that marauders who have spent a good part of two millennia burning people alive at stake, raping and killing in reverse order, converting people out even after spending 25 years as a ‘Gora brahmin, etc. can be reformed or defeated by wagging tongues made of gulabjamun. 

14. Sikh Simping Syndrome and Cognitive Sikkhonance: Sikh Simping Syndrome is a Hindu disease which is one part of the dipole (two opposite poles existing together), and Cognitive Sikkhonance is its complementary other pole, which afflicts Sikhs. In Sikh Simping Syndrome, Hindus do unabashed appeasement of Sikhs – especially Khalistani terrorism-supporters – in a delusional bid to win them over. Hindus also labour under historically non-existent debt of “Guru Teg Bahadur died for Kashmiri Hindus”, and flagellate themselves over “we Hindus killed Sikhs in religious pogrom in 1984”. Both are patently false. 1984 was a political pogrom orchestrated, allegedly, by Congress party against the Sikhs, and the participants didn’t kill out of religious animosity, but to flex their political muscle. As for Shri Guru Teg Bahadur ji, while there cannot be two ways about that he did make a supreme sacrifice, and that he did do it for Dharma, but the historicity of Pandits going to him for help, or his doing it for them is sketchy at best. Normally, one would suggest reading renowned historian and scholar Dr. Koenrad Elst’s excellent take on it to cure ignorance, but that much load is too much for the minds of those suffering from Sikh Simping Syndrome. 

In Cognitive Sikkhonance, the separatist faction of Sikhs (who enjoy not only the vocal support of a not-so-small minority, but tacit support of the majority in silent majority too) become enamoured with Islam and Pakistan despite screaming that Hindus and India do not care for atrocities being committed on Pakistani Sikhs for resisting conversion to the same Islamic doctrine and dogma. In extreme cases of Cognitive Sikkhonance, the patient might even develop complete support of Islam and Pakistan, like some of the Sikhs currently agitating over the farm (non-)issue. 

Authors’ Note: While we do not believe in mincing words, or being politically correct, we would indeed like to address any potentially offended patients of Leprosy, and members of ‘Sanatani Sikh’ (which is defined loosely in juxtaposition to Khalistani Sikhs) community. Our intention was polemical attacks on ailments within Hindu body politic, not you. We feel sorry for the leprosy-suffering people like any halfway-decent person would. While we do contest the fable of Shri Guru Teg Bahadur ji’s supreme sacrifice being motivated by Kashmiri Pandits’ plight, we have no hesitation in otherwise accepting that Hindus by and large do owe a civilizational debt to all those who fought our enslavers, to those who fought our wars, regardless of whether they fought “for” us or not. We have nothing but respect for the Ten Gurus of Sikh path, for respecting Guru before God is the Hindu way. We would also like to ask Gyaani Mahilas and petticoat purushas to stop holding their breath for a similar apology. You ain’t getting any! 

In collaboration with and editorial contributions from Mrinaal Prem Swarroop Srivastava. 

Ramesh Pasi

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